Paper Girl Read online

  I nodded.

  “And that you ran into Jackson?”

  “Yes.”

  “But Jackson wasn’t embarrassed, was he?”

  I frowned, and that seemed to amuse Gina.

  “He was probably just sorry he ran into you and wanted to help by picking up the mail,” Gina said. “Sometimes what you see really is what you get.”

  My frown deepened. It looked different in hindsight, of course. But I couldn’t help those internal feelings, the ones that said I was making a fool of myself. That everyone saw just how awkward I was. Including Jackson.

  Gina snagged a pen from the holder on my desk and tapped it against her hand. “When I was in my second year of college, I used to go to this coffee shop up on the hill—one with these really uncomfortable metal chairs. We’d study there on Friday nights. Yeah, I was a dork and studied on Friday nights.”

  My frown relaxed some.

  “There was this really cute waiter who’d bring us coffee. He always smelled like scones. Blueberry ones, which, in case you’re wondering, are my favorite.”

  “I’ll be sure to tell my mom. She’ll stock you up for a year.”

  She smiled, still tapping the pen. “Great. So, one day, the waiter came by to pick up empty cups. And I thought I’d help him out, hand him a few, you know? Give him a cute smile to see if he’d notice me. But I bumped my elbow on the back of the chair when I turned, and dropped three mugs. Two still had coffee in them. They all shattered right at his feet and coffee splashed all over his legs.”

  I pressed my hand over my mouth.

  “Yeah. I just stared at his feet, and he stared at his feet, and everyone started clapping. It was…not my best moment. But I helped him clean up and said I’d replace his shoes, which maybe wasn’t my best line. Anyway, I offered to take him out that weekend, and though he didn’t want new shoes, he still went out with me. And we dated for a year.”

  “That’s a nice story.”

  “It has two things you can take away from it, too, so bonus, right?” She grinned. “One: we all make mistakes. We all do stupid things. We all break the mugs or drop the mail. It happens. Two: it is what you make of it. If you chide yourself over it and make it a big deal, something that isn’t a big deal is elevated to disaster status. But if you just apologize or shrug it off and move on, it’ll only take up as much of your time and angst as you let it.”

  When I didn’t respond, Gina set the pen down. “I know. It’s easier said than done. But it’s part of training your mind to understand you’re not so different from anyone else.”

  “I can try.”

  She nodded. “Good. When something like that happens, take a breath and think ‘It was an accident—the same thing happens to everyone else.’ And you should go get the mail again tomorrow.”

  “That’s my assignment?”

  “That’s one of your assignments.”

  My stomach dropped. “What’s the other one?”

  She grinned. “A social experiment.”

  …

  The rules were more complicated this time. They stated that I had to do this on my own. If I’d had Mae’s help, it would have been done in ten seconds. But me? I was working on three hours so far.

  Jackson arrived early today. He’d texted me to make sure it was okay, and I’d blushed, and my heart raced, and I’d formulated three different sample texts before I returned one to him that said, Sure.

  But now he sat next to me, close enough that I felt the need to lean a few inches away. I was sure he had no idea he was in my space bubble. Every bit of bare skin on my arm could feel the warmth from his a few inches away.

  I’d expected him to ask more questions, like he did yesterday, but he was ready to get right to work, and that slowed my momentum.

  Gina wanted me to ask him to stay for our Friday night movie. Sure, Mae had already invited him, and she already said he’d agreed, but Gina wanted me to do it again, so he knew I wanted him to stay. It was the perfect opportunity for my social experiment, but I couldn’t seem to unglue my mouth to say anything more than “x equals four.”

  It was painful really, knowing I should say more, do more, and words just wouldn’t come.

  “Does it make you nervous when I watch you do your problems?” Jackson asked.

  I scooted my arm closer to my body. “I’m sorry. Yes.”

  “You don’t have to apologize.” He turned in his chair to face the other way. There was a smile in his voice when he said, “Is this better?”

  I blew out a laugh. “Yes.”

  Then I hurried to finish two more problems so they’d be done before he turned around again.

  “Finished?” he asked.

  “It’s…I’m supposed to…” Damn. What was I supposed to say? My therapist wants me to ask you to hang out with me? That was a major loser line if I’d ever heard one. “It’s Friday.”

  The smile still sounded in his voice. “It is Friday.”

  “So…it’s movie night.”

  “That’s right.”

  I couldn’t force more words from my mouth, and Jackson swiveled in his chair again. His knees bumped mine and then rested there so we were touching.

  “Is that all?” he asked.

  His knees were warm—electric against mine. I dropped my chin. He had a hole in the toe of his sock. He reached out and touched my leg, making my breath catch.

  “I wish you’d talk to me,” Jackson said, voice low.

  My heart beat so hard and fast I was sure he could hear it. There wasn’t even a coffee mug to shatter to distract him. It was just me and Jackson in the Milky Way, our knees touching, and my mind whirling because his gaze wouldn’t stop dipping to my lips.

  “About what?” I asked.

  “Anything. Everything. Zoe,” he said when I continued to stare at his feet. “What were you going to say? About tonight?”

  “We’re watching a movie. Mae has—got one—you know, from that box. She, uh, it’s a thriller or horror or something, and we’re going to watch it tonight.”

  He smiled. “She told me.”

  “So, I know she already invited you, but I just…wanted to see if you’d come—I mean, if you’re coming.”

  “You want me to stay?”

  My breath rushed out, and I nodded.

  Jackson smiled. “Good. I want to stay.”

  His fingers squeezed my leg. “Let’s go over this one more time so we can finish and not have to think about homework the entire weekend.”

  “Good idea.”

  He stretched his legs under the desk, his foot nudging my stack of comics. I really needed a better filing system, but I liked to keep them handy so I could snatch one up and read it whenever my paper-folding muse vanished.

  “Sorry,” Jackson said, stooping to fix the pile. He stopped, staring at the comics.

  Crap. Now he was really going to think I was a geek.

  “You like comics?”

  I swallowed. “Y—yes. Sometimes.”

  He glanced up with a slight smile. “You mind if I read one while you’re doing your problems?”

  “Uh…no. I mean, sure. Go ahead.”

  Then he was back to sitting too close and pretending not to watch me as I tried to figure out the value for y this time.

  30.

  JACKSON

  Rogue was Zoe. Zoe was Rogue. They had to be the same person. The chess, the paper planets, the Marvel comics under her desk.

  What was I supposed to do? Should I say something? No way. She had no idea who I was, so she didn’t know about all the secrets. She didn’t know I—Jackson, not BlackKNIGHT— was homeless, and right now I had to keep it that way. It was my only choice if I didn’t want to get in trouble for running away from home. No one could know, because then it would mess up everything.

  I’d just do one more test. Just to see for sure. And if Zoe was Rogue…I’d keep it a secret, which was probably better for both of us. Just keep my mouth shut, and she’d never know.


  I told myself it was better this way. I couldn’t take such a huge risk right now.

  Mrs. King had ordered enough pizza to cover the entire surface of their large island, though she insisted she could have made it just as well as Giuseppe’s. I was pretty sure she almost had a coronary when Mae used the paper plates that were delivered with the pizza instead of something more civilized.

  But she took it in stride and reminded us there were brownies for after dinner. And that she made some flavored popcorn for the movie. She also had ice cream and a myriad of other snacks she’d just “whipped up” that afternoon.

  I knew better. I’d been at her house all afternoon, and she’d been baking nonstop, singing along to music Mae had turned on to pass the time.

  Unfortunately, once Kelly and Robert arrived, Zoe had hardly said two words. More than once, I saw her glance longingly to her study.

  “Let’s eat outside,” Kelly suggested, grabbing her plate and heading for the balcony.

  Beside me, Zoe’s entire body tensed.

  “I’ll sit next to you,” I offered, giving her arm a nudge. Trying to relax as hard as I was trying to get her to relax. She had no idea I was BlackKNIGHT. No reason to worry. “I’ll distract you.”

  Her eyes widened, making me grin. The others had already walked outside to a warm evening and the sun close to the horizon.

  “I…” Her mouth opened and closed.

  “Please?”

  Her gaze dropped to the single slice of pizza on her plate. “Okay.”

  We walked together to the back door.

  “Why don’t you ever wear your glasses?” I asked as we stepped outside.

  “Uh…” Her plate wobbled and she laughed. “It’s—I—I don’t like them. And…they always fall off when I wear them and do my paper stuff. I need new ones, but…”

  “That would mean leaving the house.”

  She stopped walking, blinking up at me with a pained expression.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I just…want to know.” Did she ever leave the house? She had to, right? Life still went on regardless of our situations.

  But judging by what Rogue had told me, things were more serious than I would have guessed. It almost wasn’t fair that I knew things about her that I shouldn’t, but it wasn’t my fault. She gripped her plate with her other hand to stop the shaking, but it didn’t help. She looked away, and I barely heard her say, “I want you to know.”

  I almost grabbed her hand right there to tell her we could talk inside. In her safe room. But that probably would have embarrassed her even more, so we both sat at the table as the last of the sun’s warm rays dashed across our faces.

  Kelly started talking about colleges right away, dominating the conversation with her enthusiasm over the dance program at the university she’d chosen. It was easy for me to lean toward Zoe and lower my voice to have our own conversation.

  “Are you okay?” I whispered.

  She picked at her pizza, glancing up in surprise when she heard my voice. Her dark brown eyes held an ocean of emotions.

  Her head bobbed in a short nod.

  “You should try to eat.” I didn’t know what else to say, except that eating seemed like a good idea. She rarely seemed to eat anything, now that I thought about it.

  “I’m trying.” She put a bite of pizza into her mouth.

  “So that meteor shower…it’s next week. I want to watch it.”

  She glanced over at me. “You should.”

  I smiled. “There’s a proper way to watch a meteor shower.”

  Another bite. Good. Progress.

  “How’s that?” she asked.

  “One, you have to have company. Or else it’s like the whole tree falling in the woods thing. It’s like it never really happened.” She angled her head at me so I continued. “Then you have to have a place to watch. A rooftop or wide field. Somewhere dark, open, and preferably where you can put a blanket.”

  She smiled.

  “And finally, you have to have drinks and snacks because you have to be able to endure several hours of this. Meteor showers aren’t a short undertaking. Or an early one.”

  By now, she’d finished half her pizza as the rest of the group argued over colleges.

  “When does it start?” she asked.

  “Probably the earliest you even want to consider going out is midnight. I think this one will peak at two or three.”

  Her eyes widened. “That’s late.”

  “That’s early.” I reached out, touching her arm just briefly. “So, I think we should do it. Watch the meteor shower.”

  I didn’t miss the shift in her position. The way her entire back went straight and how she dropped her pizza back on her plate.

  “Jackson,” she whispered.

  Before I could argue my point, Robert interrupted.

  “Jackson! Hey.”

  I glanced over at him. “What?”

  “College. You’re all set, right?”

  I abandoned my pizza as well, brushing my hands together and telling him the truth, though it still felt like a lie. “I’m all set. I need more scholarships, but otherwise, I’m good to go.”

  Mostly. I didn’t have as much as I wished I did, which meant financial aid. And financial aid made things more complicated. But what choice did I have?

  “Must be nice,” Kelly said.

  “I’m working on it.” I shrugged. “Working to save up money.”

  It wasn’t just classes. I had to pay for housing and books and food. Transportation if necessary. My mom had been helping me save for it, but my dad had spent it all in one evening.

  Robert snorted. “That’s what loans are for.”

  “For debt?” I asked, forcing a grin at him. “Good luck with that.”

  But I knew he wouldn’t be in debt. His parents could afford to send him to college. And the same with Kelly’s parents. Mae’s, too. They were probably smart enough to have been saving for years.

  Even my mom, who’d barely made enough money to keep our household running, had planned for me to go to college. I’ll work two jobs if I have to, she’d said. I’ll rent an apartment close to campus so we can all live together and save on the dorms. Whatever it takes.

  It was her dream. And my dad had ruined it. Now…I couldn’t imagine going into debt for school. Or for anything. But what choice did I have? I couldn’t do what my mom wanted for me and manage to pay for it all. I couldn’t balance so much, and it killed me to admit that to myself, but it was there. Always in the back of my mind.

  I shrugged again. There weren’t words.

  To my surprise, Zoe touched my hand under the table. “I could help you apply for more scholarships.”

  I looked at her. “Meteor shower.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me, but I saw the amusement there.

  “What’s the movie?” I asked, buying her time to answer. Buying myself time to get my shit together.

  Distracted, Mae leaned in close to the lantern on the table and said, “It’s a slasher film. One that takes place on prom night.”

  Robert groaned. “I didn’t bring any Twizzlers.”

  Zoe gave him a blank look.

  “I didn’t bring Twinkies, either,” I said.

  Mae shook her head. “Doesn’t matter. This time, the loser can clean up our mess. And I plan on being messy.”

  “This is going to take more pizza,” Kelly said.

  …

  Mae decided we should start the movie right away. I wasn’t sure if it was because she saw how uncomfortable Zoe was, or if she was just excited to watch.

  Slasher movies were the best. It gave everyone license to yell and throw popcorn at the screen and groan at the bad special effects, and no one judged you. It also gave Zoe a reason to have to sit on the couch, next to someone (who I was going to make sure was me) she could hold on to during the scary parts.

  We all brought our food inside, and when Zoe wandered to the kitchen, either to refill her glass or take
a breath, I followed along.

  “Have you done this before?” I asked her as she rounded the counter.

  She glanced back, surprised to find me there. “What?”

  “Slasher movie night. Where we guess how many people get slashed.”

  “No. Mom doesn’t like horror movies.”

  I smiled. “Then this is a very special occasion.”

  “With rules, apparently.”

  I set my cup next to hers, grabbed the Pepsi, and filled both cups almost to the rim. “Yes, there are rules, which I’m sure Mae will go over. She always does. Sit next to me.”

  She blinked. “That’s a rule?”

  I walked around the counter, stepping close enough without standing on her feet, which were covered in striped socks. “I should have asked. I’m sorry.”

  “You…” She dipped her chin.

  “Zoe?”

  When she didn’t answer, I brushed her bangs from her eyes. She jumped, and I froze. “Is this okay?”

  Her breath caught, but she nodded.

  “Please don’t be nervous around me.” I let my fingers linger on her cheek before dropping my hand to my side. “I’m just…a regular kid.”

  “Not regular.”

  I smiled. “No?”

  “Smart,” she mumbled. “Confident. Nice.” She met my eyes. “Definite college material.”

  “I’m trying,” I said, feeling the pressure all over again.

  “I could…help you.”

  I took her hand, deciding to lighten the situation. “What does that entail? Because I’m pretty sure I’m in.”

  She laughed, fingers squeezing around mine. “I’ll think about it.”

  “And I’ll convince you to do the meteor shower. I already know how I’m going to do that.”

  “How?”

  I leaned in, brushing my cheek against hers to whisper in her ear. “I’d better not tell you right now. It’ll make you blush.”

  She choked on words and surprise, and blushed anyway. Her eyes strayed to the hallway where her study was.

  “You can do this,” I said. “The movie. Unless you don’t want to.”

  “No. I mean, yes. I want to.” But she glanced to her study again. “I’ll be right back.”

  She vanished before I could say anything. But when I heard a familiar beep from my phone, I pulled it out and saw a message from Rogue2015.