Paper Girl Page 7

  I seriously needed to get my mom’s words out of my head. This was Zoe—a girl I barely knew.

  “What’s your—what new thing did you learn?” she asked.

  “Oh, that’s easy. I learned that Dale is a stalker.”

  She gurgled out a startled laugh that made me laugh as well. She did my job and brushed her hair out of her eyes, leaving me useless.

  “I know, it doesn’t make any sense. Just a guy from the library,” I said.

  She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Part of me wanted to wait for her response, for her to ask more, but the other part of me knew it wouldn’t come.

  “Your math assignment,” I suggested.

  That made her jump into action. “Oh, sorry. I’m sorry—of course—”

  She hurried to her desk and opened her laptop. I spotted what looked like a chess game, but she was quick to minimize the screen—so fast I wondered if I’d imagined it.

  But if I hadn’t? My fingers itched to grab the mouse and find the game. Maybe she was on the same chess website where I’d met Rogue2015. I just needed a quick peek…

  “It’s right here.” She pulled up a math assignment, and then one for Physics, both easy concepts for me.

  “Let’s start with math.”

  When she heard my voice so close, she edged away, leaving the screen in wide view. It took everything I had not to minimize the page and check the one that looked like Chess Challenge. Then I’d know.

  I glanced to the ceiling. Paper. That seemed to be the way to her heart.

  My cell phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out…and froze. My dad. His name appeared on the screen, Austin, followed by his number.

  Zoe blinked, waiting for me to answer the call. I only smiled at her and shoved my phone back in my pocket, pretending nothing happened.

  “Zoe,” I said, her name rolling off my tongue. I liked it. And right now, she was the key to distracting me from my dad.

  “Wh—what?”

  “By the time school ends, you’re going to be a master at algebra and physics.”

  Her breath released slowly. She didn’t answer right away. I got the feeling she was counting something in her head.

  After another long moment where I half expected her to kick me out of her room, she said calmly, “Then I guess we’d better get started.”

  19.

  Rogue2015: I’m tired of people always thinking they know what’s best for me.

  BlackKNIGHT: I know. Do they forget what it’s like to be 17?

  Rogue2015: I know! 16 here, but still. Do you really think I’m going to use the Pythagorean Theorem or need to know how to carbon date something in the real world?

  BlackKNIGHT: Depends.

  Rogue2015: On what?

  BlackKNIGHT: Are you going to be a chemist? An astrophysicist? Are you going to discover the cure for something deadly like a flesh-eating bacteria that turns half the population into zombies?

  Rogue2015: Good question. NO!!!

  BlackKNIGHT: So what are you going to do?

  Rogue2015: Beat you at chess. Your knight is in serious trouble, and your queen’s crying because he won’t protect her.

  BlackKNIGHT: Maybe you should tell stories for a living. You’d be really good at that.

  Rogue2015: You’re just trying to distract me.

  BlackKNIGHT: No, I’m just curious about you.

  Rogue2015: Not much to tell. I’m kind of a boring person.

  BlackKNIGHT: I really don’t believe that.

  Rogue2015: It’s true.

  BlackKNIGHT: You can’t just say that. I need proof. Why do you think you’re boring?

  Rogue2015: Because I never do anything or go anywhere.

  BlackKNIGHT: Well, if you live in a cornfield, like I’m starting to believe, then that makes sense. Do you go on field trips to see cows?

  Rogue2015: Ha ha. I’ve never seen a cow close up in my life. But I haven’t seen a lot of things.

  BlackKNIGHT: Why not?

  Rogue2015: The world is a scary place. I can’t stop thinking of all the things that could go wrong if I went somewhere. Anywhere.

  BlackKNIGHT: That’s interesting.

  Rogue2015: Why’s that?

  BlackKNIGHT: Because all I want is to be out in the world. All the time. Away from home, on my own.

  Rogue2015: I guess that makes sense since you said you moved out. You said you stay here and there. What does that mean?

  BlackKNIGHT: Nowhere, really. I stay in my car or at a friend’s house. I visit my favorite places during the day. But I don’t really have a home.

  Rogue2015: Wait. You’re homeless?

  BlackKNIGHT: I don’t really call it that.

  Rogue2015: That’s terrible. I’m sorry.

  BlackKNIGHT: Don’t be. It’s better this way. Maybe we should talk about something less heavy?

  Rogue2015: What about that girl you were telling me about? How are things going with her?

  BlackKNIGHT: I’m still working on it.

  Rogue2015: You’ll figure it out. If you can figure out real life—way better than I can, apparently—you’ll figure this out.

  BlackKNIGHT: Kind of the same thing, right? Chess and real life. It’s all strategy.

  Rogue2015: I guess you could put it that way. Zugzwang.

  BlackKNIGHT: What?

  Rogue2015: You know, that chess term. Zugzwang. That point in a chess game where you’re forced to make moves that might cost you pieces. But you have to do it. Kind of like in real life. You just get to a point you have to make those moves.

  BlackKNIGHT: Yes, I’ve heard that term before. That makes sense.

  Rogue2015: All right, so make your move.

  BlackKNIGHT: In the game or in real life?

  Rogue2015: Both :-)

  20.

  ZOE

  I stared at the elevator doors. Soon, Gina would be here and Mae would go off to practice and Mom would run her errands, and life would continue outside this apartment whether I saw it or not. And BlackKNIGHT—who knew what he was up to?

  I couldn’t believe he’d told me he was homeless and that he slept in his car. My heart ached for him. If I knew who he was, if he lived close by, I’d make him a paper house with everything he could ever want inside. Food, friendship, a million chessboards. Whatever made him feel like he had a place.

  After all, I knew what it was like to feel lost. I had a place to live, but even then, it didn’t feel like I belonged. BK didn’t judge me when I told him I don’t ever go anywhere or do anything, but I felt judged at home.

  I should probably take my own advice. Make my move. I choked on a nervous laugh. No way. Too scary. It was safer up here in my apartment and safer if I kept my mouth shut.

  Besides, I still had a life in here. Maybe it wasn’t the life I wanted, but it was still a life.

  Our penthouse meant the top floor, elevator access to only those with a key card, or special visitors on the list at the security desk downstairs. Jackson was a special visitor.

  He was my special visitor. One I couldn’t seem to get out of my mind. BlackKNIGHT was the one I could talk to, the one who I felt comfortable with, but Jackson was the one that made me want to be more, to do things, to live a life—one that might have him in it.

  If I closed my eyes, I could hear every breath he took and the smile in his words. If I closed my eyes, I could see his inquisitive gaze, peering through his dark-rimmed glasses as if saying, Zoe, why won’t you just talk to me?

  He wanted to know me. Not Mae’s sister. Not the Car King’s daughter. Just Zoe. The irreversibly quirky, dorky, and socially inept girl who had been crushing on him for two years. Just thinking about it made my whole body buzz.

  “Did you just go into a coma?”

  I yelped and jerked my gaze away from the elevator. Mae stood there, arms folded and a sly smile on her face.

  “You look like you’re in love with that elevator.” She walked to the elevator, pressed a hand flat against the sur
face, and fluttered her eyelashes. “Oh, Elevator, you sure are handsome. So tall and—and strong. You take me to new heights—”

  “Mae!”

  Her laughter rolled out, effectively popping my dreamy bubble. Jackson didn’t like me. He wasn’t curious about me. He was just being polite. After all, Mom was paying him to tutor me.

  “You’re a jerk.” I reached in my pocket and pulled out my phone to check my steps.

  My phone was a fairly new model despite the fact that my social circle encompassed my closest family, a faceless seventeen-year-old chess boy, and Therapist #5 (and #6) in case I had a panic attack. Most of my friends from before I shut myself in this apartment had slowly lost touch once I started homeschooling.

  But Mom was a big fan of “one day’s.”

  One day you’ll be back in school and need a phone.

  One day you’ll have a boyfriend and want to text him all the time.

  One day you’ll stop making faces about YouTube and subscribe to my channel.

  Yeah, Mom was a shameless self-promoter.

  But one day hadn’t come yet.

  “You look different today,” Mae said, crossing her arms again. “Happy.”

  “Huh?”

  She narrowed her eyes at me and then flashed a grin. “Come to practice with me!”

  My heart jolted.

  “Like you used to. You’d sit on the bleachers and draw in your notebook and totally ignore me unless I was at the top of the pyramid.”

  I made a face. “You want me to come with you and ignore you?”

  “Yes. Just like before. You’d draw fancy numbers on your notebook and hold them up for me to see when I was at the top of the pyramid. Remember you even gave me a ten once? Sure, it was probably just to humor me or because you were in a good mood that day, but it was nice.”

  Conflicting emotions slithered through me. Mae wanted me to go. I had no idea she even cared that I used to go to her practices. But that was outside. Outside. There were people there.

  This could be a pre-graduation trial run, I told myself. Just like Gina had suggested.

  “One practice,” she said. “You don’t even have to talk to anyone. I’ll drive us there, I’ll practice. You can bring your notebook. And we’ll drive back. Less than two hours.”

  My mouth hung open, but nothing came out. I wanted to. I really, really wanted to. And when she made it sound simple and straightforward like that, my brain responded with, She’s right, just two hours. No big deal.

  My chest squeezed.

  “Never mind,” Mae said when she saw my expression.

  “I want to,” I whispered.

  She’d already turned to grab her bag off the table in the foyer. “Sure.”

  “Mae, really. I’m—I’m sorry. I’m scared. I don’t—”

  “Then stop being scared.”

  I swallowed a lump of heartache. We used to be close. We used to do everything together. And I’d ruined it.

  “I’m sorry, Mae.”

  She straightened her ponytail and lifted her chin, her expression blank. “Whatever. Mom, I’m going!”

  Mom called back from the kitchen, “Wait! I made muffins for you and the girls!”

  “Not this time,” Mae said, her voice hard. She pressed the elevator button and stepped inside when it opened. She wouldn’t even look at me before the doors closed.

  Mom hurried out with a container of muffins, her cheeks flushed. “Her muffins,” Mom said, looking lost.

  “She was late,” I lied. “She had to go. Freeze them. You can use them later.”

  “I already froze four bags. These are warm. Jackson’s coming later, right? I bet he’ll want some muffins. He always eats whatever I bake.”

  Mom’s mention of Jackson sobered me even further. Jackson was one of them. The outsiders. The people who lived beyond the walls of my apartment and managed to survive the world.

  And I was just Zoe. Paper girl. I belonged on my study wall, not out there. With them. Where the world was waiting.

  …

  I kept my back pressed to the brick just outside the glass door of our balcony. It was really more like a terrace, with room enough for a table and chairs, for the plants and decorations my mom always had out. It was lined with a ledge tall enough that I wouldn’t accidentally fall off.

  But still, it was outside. I was outside.

  I wanted to look at it as a step in the right direction, but I had to admit, it didn’t take much bravado to stand outside when I was technically still in my own apartment.

  When the door opened next to me, I expected Dr. Price, but it was Dad. He held a door sign, one that said Welcome on planks of wood that looked like they used to belong to a fence.

  “Hi,” he said.

  My mouth opened and closed in surprise. “Did you…are you sick?”

  He angled his head. “No. Just came home from work early.”

  I blinked. Why?

  He read the question in my eyes and stepped outside. “Mom thought it might be good to be here more often. You know, so I could…we could talk. Or spend more family time together.”

  “Gina’s coming soon.”

  He nodded. “Your mom said. I just thought I’d check to make sure you’re okay.” He glanced around the terrace. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m…” I swallowed, trying to see this as a good thing. Dad was here. That was nice of him to check on me. But did I look like I was okay, plastered to the side of the building? I redirected my focus. “I thought Mom mailed that sign.”

  Last week she’d had a giveaway on her blog and thousands of people had entered to win. She’d been thrilled. I’d made faces the whole time the entries were piling in until she let me use the random number generator to pick a winner.

  Dad grinned. “She made another because she thought we needed one, too.”

  “Where’s she going to put it?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “Inside the elevator above the button for the top floor?”

  I laughed, and the motion relaxed me some. “That would work.”

  “So…you’re okay?”

  “I’m okay,” I said in agreement. At least, that was what I was working toward.

  “Good.” He nodded and held up the sign. “Back to work.”

  He vanished inside, leaving me alone again.

  When Gina appeared, I was still glued to the side of the building.

  She wore a red jacket. I considered it progress that I noticed her jacket before her shoes. Dr. Edwards was hard to relate to in his stuffy sports coats and tasseled loafers. Who still wore tassels on their shoes?

  “Would you like to talk out here today?” she asked.

  “If that’s what you want.”

  She walked straight to the round table and pulled out a chair. I didn’t know how she wasn’t dying of heat stroke with her jacket and canary yellow scarf on. “It’s a nice day. We should sit.”

  “Or…” I inched farther down the wall. Progress.

  “Would you like to sit?” She continued to stand by the chair. “Your study,” she said when I didn’t answer. “Let’s go inside. You seem more comfortable in there, and then we can talk.”

  I didn’t respond, and I hated that it relieved me to be heading back inside to where I was most comfortable. I led her to the study, padding down the hall in colorful striped socks and black leggings under a billowy dress.

  Inside the study, there were two chairs at the desk now, so Jackson could sit when he came to tutor me. But Gina didn’t sit. Instead, she removed her jacket and set it over the back of the chair.

  “Are you okay?” Gina asked, just like my dad had.

  Not really. I couldn’t even sit outside and talk to her. She knew I’d be more comfortable in here, just like Mae knew I wouldn’t come to her cheerleading practice. After dealing with that, I was beginning to think I was failing pretty miserably at stepping out of my comfort zone.

  “I’m fine.”

  She pulled the chair arou
nd to sit directly across from me, making me nervous. I wished she’d pace like she did last time. Or look out the window. Or, at the very least, not make eye contact.

  “Are you really?” she asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Really?”

  I stared at her hands. They rested on top of the desk, almost like she was about to type something on a keyboard. Maybe notes about me and my issues. That was what she was missing. A notebook. Dr. Edwards always had a notebook. Some way to write down what I said or what he was thinking. Or maybe he was just doodling.

  Gina folded her arms. “I think you’re upset. I don’t know why, but I can tell. And I’m telling you, you’re allowed to be upset—about anything. And you’re allowed to tell me. That’s what I’m here for.”

  “Is Dr. Edwards coming anymore?”

  She nodded. “He’ll come and check in here and there. But he and your mom agreed it might be good for me to come alone for a while. A new perspective. Is that okay?”

  Was that okay? Dr. Edwards never asked me if anything was okay. He just gave me ideas and assumed I’d follow through. Gina was…trying to relate to me.

  I wish I felt comfortable enough to talk to her. I wanted to. How come BlackKNIGHT was so easy to talk to? Because I didn’t have to see him face to face? Because he was like my paper habit. Reliable. Comfortable. He never let me down. He was always there.

  Gina still waited for an answer. I nodded. I’d pretend she was BlackKNIGHT if I had to. I thought of how disappointed Mae seemed and realized I had to do something to change it. “That’s fine.”

  She smiled. “Okay. What do you want to talk about?”

  “Well…” I pressed my lips together tight.

  She kept smiling. She was making me talk. Dr. Edwards usually directed the conversation. He asked me questions, and I answered. Usually.

  “Nothing, really,” I lied.

  “Maybe about why you were outside on the balcony?”

  I dropped my chin. I discreetly pulled a piece of paper from my pocket and started folding it. “It’s a nice day.”

  “On nice days, people take walks. Go to the park. Have a picnic.”

  I bit my lip hard. “A picnic sounds scary.”